Things I Think About

If oil is made from fossils, in millions of years will people be pumping oil from our cemeteries? I'd like to be cremated, there's no point in keeping a body around when the thing that makes it special is gone. It's like keeping an ice cream carton after you've eaten all the ice cream. I really like Donovan, my friend Matt Terry turned me on to him sophomore year. Once at a pep-rally, someone had written "Brake a Leg." Some people are so stupid, it's great, it really makes my day sometimes. Whenever I feel bad or get jealous of someone, I always remember that they probably make a really funny face when they're constipated. I really wish I could be an artist, like a painter, or a photographer, but I feel like I'm not original or good enough to do that. Plus, doing this for a living always takes the fun out of it, once money comes into doing anything that's enjoyable, it makes it less so. Or collages, I'm really good at those too. I would like to know when I'm going to die. People who get asked that question always say they wouldn't want to know, but I would. What if it was during something important? I work better under deadlines anyway, so I think I could enjoy my life more if I knew when it was coming. I definitely have a type of guy, I prefer dark haired, blue eyed men. I don't know why, I just always seem to prefer them over anyone else. especially the blue eyed thing. I love blue eyes, I like having brown, it adds nice diversity with my blonde hair, but I love guys with blue eyes, they're so gorgeous. I just realized that is a complete opposite of me. I guess I feel like blonde is more feminine, and brown is more masculine, so I have a good balance of both masculine and feminine characteristics and a guy with brown hair and blue eyes would have the same balance. I only had one blonde boyfriend and that was in 6th grade. Sarah Jessica Parker gave a great quote once about how humor is way more sexy than good looks because even when your beauty fades, humor lasts forever. I like that, I feel like there's a lot to be said about someone who can make you laugh. I know I need that. I wish I got that compliment more. I have a lot of character in a lot of different ways. My life has been all over the place, but I stay still, in place I mean. God, I love music. Thinking about music always makes me think of that part in the Little Mermaid where Scuttle talks about how before music humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day, "it was very boring." I'm very afraid of being abandoned. By friends, by family, I don't know why and I can't help it, but I hate the idea of being left behind, all alone, just abandoned. It creates huge anxiety and sadness and fear in me. It would be different if I left and became a recluse, but I don't want to be left. I feel like it is just a stemming fear from loosing everything I care about. The only thing worse than loosing everything you love is everything you love not wanting you around anymore. I also never want to forget anything. I have a lot of important, precious memories that I never want to loose. In fact, if I could record everything about my life, that would be cool to. Probably one of the coolest things would be if heaven was like a big movie watching party of everyone's lives. I used to bite my nails really horribly. Now I don't and I keep my nails nice and long and I think they make my hands look pretty. One of the best compliments I ever got was when my friend told me I have beautiful hands. I don't know why that meant so much to me, but it really did. Little detail compliments are always alot more genuine I think. I usually don't like appearance compliments, they always seem fake, or just, I don't know. I don't like being told I look good, or whatever, if I know I don't. If there's no effort, then there's no need for a compliment. You should have to work for it, not just be complimented on something that has nothing to do with you. Like when people tell me I have good taste in music or movies, I mean, that's nice of them to say and I'm glad they are enjoying what I picked, but I know I have good taste in that stuff. I wish I knew how to cook. I often wonder if my husband will leave me if I can't cook or can't learn.