Things I Think About

If oil is made from fossils, in millions of years will people be pumping oil from our cemeteries? I'd like to be cremated, there's no point in keeping a body around when the thing that makes it special is gone. It's like keeping an ice cream carton after you've eaten all the ice cream. I really like Donovan, my friend Matt Terry turned me on to him sophomore year. Once at a pep-rally, someone had written "Brake a Leg." Some people are so stupid, it's great, it really makes my day sometimes. Whenever I feel bad or get jealous of someone, I always remember that they probably make a really funny face when they're constipated. I really wish I could be an artist, like a painter, or a photographer, but I feel like I'm not original or good enough to do that. Plus, doing this for a living always takes the fun out of it, once money comes into doing anything that's enjoyable, it makes it less so. Or collages, I'm really good at those too. I would like to know when I'm going to die. People who get asked that question always say they wouldn't want to know, but I would. What if it was during something important? I work better under deadlines anyway, so I think I could enjoy my life more if I knew when it was coming. I definitely have a type of guy, I prefer dark haired, blue eyed men. I don't know why, I just always seem to prefer them over anyone else. especially the blue eyed thing. I love blue eyes, I like having brown, it adds nice diversity with my blonde hair, but I love guys with blue eyes, they're so gorgeous. I just realized that is a complete opposite of me. I guess I feel like blonde is more feminine, and brown is more masculine, so I have a good balance of both masculine and feminine characteristics and a guy with brown hair and blue eyes would have the same balance. I only had one blonde boyfriend and that was in 6th grade. Sarah Jessica Parker gave a great quote once about how humor is way more sexy than good looks because even when your beauty fades, humor lasts forever. I like that, I feel like there's a lot to be said about someone who can make you laugh. I know I need that. I wish I got that compliment more. I have a lot of character in a lot of different ways. My life has been all over the place, but I stay still, in place I mean. God, I love music. Thinking about music always makes me think of that part in the Little Mermaid where Scuttle talks about how before music humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day, "it was very boring." I'm very afraid of being abandoned. By friends, by family, I don't know why and I can't help it, but I hate the idea of being left behind, all alone, just abandoned. It creates huge anxiety and sadness and fear in me. It would be different if I left and became a recluse, but I don't want to be left. I feel like it is just a stemming fear from loosing everything I care about. The only thing worse than loosing everything you love is everything you love not wanting you around anymore. I also never want to forget anything. I have a lot of important, precious memories that I never want to loose. In fact, if I could record everything about my life, that would be cool to. Probably one of the coolest things would be if heaven was like a big movie watching party of everyone's lives. I used to bite my nails really horribly. Now I don't and I keep my nails nice and long and I think they make my hands look pretty. One of the best compliments I ever got was when my friend told me I have beautiful hands. I don't know why that meant so much to me, but it really did. Little detail compliments are always alot more genuine I think. I usually don't like appearance compliments, they always seem fake, or just, I don't know. I don't like being told I look good, or whatever, if I know I don't. If there's no effort, then there's no need for a compliment. You should have to work for it, not just be complimented on something that has nothing to do with you. Like when people tell me I have good taste in music or movies, I mean, that's nice of them to say and I'm glad they are enjoying what I picked, but I know I have good taste in that stuff. I wish I knew how to cook. I often wonder if my husband will leave me if I can't cook or can't learn.

Darn

How much do I love my life? Last day of exams, hardest exam of all, starts raining in the middle and I left my windows down. Darn. In the middle of studying for my hardest exam I realized I knew virtually nothing about the subject and had a panic attack that ended in tears. I was in the middle of the cafeteria when this happened. Darn. I wanted to see the new Star Trek movie but every person I ask to go see it with me laughs and calls me a nerd. Darn. I have zero money in the bank and I owe about $300 to 5 different people. Darn. A lot of people have been saying some really negative things to me and trying to pass them off as constructive criticism. I don't like it. Opinionated, sarcastic, offensive, annoying and some people think it's necessary to tell me I eat too fast. I eat the way I eat. I talk the way I talk. I know what and when something is appropriate. At least I am open to new ideas, at least I can be objective about what I say and how I think. I have spent the better part of my life learning to be a specific way that other people have wanted me to be. No more. Shouldn't I get more credit for speaking my mind and having an educated opinion about the things that matter to me? Not a lot matters to me, not money or politics or sports, but movies I know, books, plays, music, art, that I know. Am I not allowed to talk about what I know like everyone else does? At least I speak at all? Would I get more credit or taken more seriously if I never opened my mouth. That is definitely something I have learned, don't open your mouth. How can you learn without asking questions, how can you grow and get new ideas if yours are never challenged? People think because I'm young I don't know things. I know more about life and death and everything in between better than a lot of adults I know, way more than anyone my own age. There are lots of things I've yet to learn, I know that, I am open to that, but don't treat me like an idiot, I KNOW I am not an idiot and I can tell when someone assumes I am and it makes me pissed. I rarely ask for help, not because I'm proud, just because I know that can be annoying, so when I do ask for help please don't just stare at me and tell me I'm wrong, I KNOW I'M WRONG, that's why I'm asking for help. What you are doing is not helping me, brow beating is not helping me. Telling me I'm stupid is not helping me, maybe you don't understand what you are talking about and the way you are talking about it doesn't make sense and THAT'S why you can't answer my question. Maybe everyone should get outta town. Summer is here. 3 months of nothing, I love it. Is it weird that summer doesn't really feel like a vacation anymore. Or, I don't know, it feels different. The way I think of it is different. The way we think about summer it's like, school is the extra and summer is the norm, like I have to go to school but then I get to go home and watch TV, and summer is the home with the TV, but it's not. Summer is school. Summer is recess, it's not really what should be going on. Work and school are what's going on. I never thought of it that way til now.

Yikes Spikes

I really don't like it when cartoons bleed. Not like realistic cartoons, like stick figures and stuff. I don't know why, gore and violence and stuff like that doesn't bother me, but I hate it when people draw little stick figure flip books or animation or whatever and their like bleeding or being chopped up, it just freaks me out. Something to do with innocence and children and drawings and blood and guts, give me the creeps.
I really hate big cities. I feel like Dallas is an exception just because it doesn't feel that big to me and I live in a relatively bubble-like suburb. I've been to San Fransisco, I've been to LA, I've been to New York and Boston, I don't like it. I don't like big cities. New York and Boston were frickin cold and the air in California smells weird. My friend said it's cause it's cleaner, I don't believe her. People are rude in big cities, I truly believe Texas is the friendliest state. Not to mention cities are dirty, like sick dirty. New York was one of the dirtiest places I have ever been, I was really scared to touch ANYTHING and I'm not normally one of those people. I just like the country better. And not like country-country, I just like the idea of wide open spaces. I love trees and grass and nature in general. If I could I would own a ranch and just live off the land like that. I like the idea of farming, manual labor always suited me better. I believe in evolution that way. Some people were meant to work hard and be able to work hard, like some women are born to bear children. That leads to my next thing I hate:
Skinny people. Not like metabolism skinny, that's your genes and that's natural, but people who try to fight nature and try to be so damn skinny that they constantly fuss over food and exercise. Guess what, you will gain weight, you will have cellulite, you will have big hips and thighs and saggy boobs, it's called gravity. I would much rather have a little something to keep me warm then be able to see my ribs, not that important to me. If we were still cavemen, those skinny bitches would be dead. No one had anorexia in prehistoric ages, you know why? cause people were dieing left and right because they were starving. If people want to kill themselves slowing then let them. Whether it be cigarettes or drugs or eating disorders or whatever. If people want to get help, GET HELP. It's a simple process, I don't see why it's such a hard concept to grasp.
I used to have a terrible fear of dieing a virgin. Two of my friends died at 15, way before they had an intimate relationship of any kind and it really freaked me out. It's all I could think about for the longest time and whenever a kid or someone young died in a movie that was always the first thing that popped in my head. To me, sex is like the physical manifestation of love, the literal act of love, so to me, if I died a virgin, I died without experiencing love. That would suck.
I also have a large fear of older men. I don't know why, they just generally creep me out to some degree. Few were exceptions, I was afraid of my uncles, my friend's fahters, my sister's boyfriends, it was weird. I was never molested or anything like that, but I guess because I know how guys are and I know they never change, I know at least some of them are thinking something they shouldn't. I don't exactly hold men in the highest regard. It's not that I don't like them or I think little of them, there are some really top notch, classy, smart guys. But men are men.

Back-up Plan: Hawaii

A long time ago, when I realized my life was not going to be exactly what I always dreamed, I devised a back up plan. This back-up plan will be set into motion if: I flunk out of collage, another family member or close friend dies, I loose all my money, a fire, flood, or tornado takes away all my worldly possessions, all of the above.
This plan consists of me taking only key belongings and what little money I have and jumping a plane one-way to Hawaii. Once there I will claim a residency in some beach hut or other low maintenance (cheap) housing, and find a job as a maid. Once I have enough money I will then begin the long process of getting an entire arm tattoo from shoulder to wrist of a Hawaiian pattern of pink flowers and blue waves.
'Why Hawaii?' You may ask. Well, for as long as I can remember, Hawaii has been the ultimate vacation/honeymoon destination for years. This means it's a place of leisure and relaxation and I feel like if my life goes far enough down the tubes, I will need a more relaxing place to live my life. Hawaii is also beautiful, natural, and hot. Above all things I love to be warm, so what's warmer than an island! On a more superficial note, Hawaii has been the setting for such cinematic gems as Lilo and Stitch, South Pacific, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Blue Crush.
Now, you may be thinking 'Blue Crush, Hawaii, maid... I get it.' But that's not quite it. The maid thing I decided on because I have spent a large part of my free time and life in general cleaning up other people's messes, so I figured I might as well get paid to do it. I am by nature a clean person so I would also be getting paid to do something that requires little to no training, and that I am already good at. Not to mention I have always preferred labor work to mental work, it's just easier and less stressful, and again, less stress is what I'm looking for. I am a low maintenance kind of person, there is very little I need to keep me happy so having a lot of money isn't high on my list of priorities, which brings us to part 3 of the back-up plan.
The tattoo, 'Why don't you just get it without moving to Hawaii and all the rest of the hassle?' My friend you are not paying attention. The whole point to the back-up plan is that it comes into action when all else has failed. The little money I have can not be squandered away on some body art whim. I need to keep that money to keep me in college. Now, if I were to flunk out of college or my grades became low enough that I could no longer attend, then I would move to Hawaii and spend my money on whatever frivolous joys I so desired. One of which, would be this tattoo. The tattoo also comes from a movie: Stranger Than Fiction. In this movie there is a character played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ana Pascal. In this movie Ana tells of how she became a baker after producing study snacks for her friends when she attended Harvard Law. She found baking brought her more joy than studying law, so she dropped out and started her own baked goods store. Ana Pascal has a Hawaiian sleeve tattoo of pink flowers and blue waves. This movie, this character, and this tattoo changed my life, and I decided right then and there that if I ever wanted to 360 my life, I would start doing what I loved and live how I wanted, including getting a tattoo. That doesn't mean I want to flunk out of collage.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

I saw the trailer for this movie a long time ago and never figure I would want to see it. I remeber seeing it and not understanding the trailer and thinking how it wouldn't be a movie I would understand or want to see. But I feel like it means something that I remember a trailer for a movie that I decided I wouldn't see. It was so interesting and yet haunting, and that's when I decided it wasn't for me. I'm glad I did see it, it made me feel lucky. Kind of lucky, kind of unrealized.
What I loved most about his movie was the editing. Each scene was like a collage, lots of seperate different things brought together to create a meaning bigger than it's self. Little pretty things coming together to make one big beautiful statement. And each small snipet showing how the mind works: first you think of this, which reminds you of that, which felt like this. Lots of metaphorical imagery used, which I always love, like the diving bell and all the butterflies. Even the music just felt incredibly in sync with the characters, the events taking place. It was a very well done film. It felt real and natural. Like it all really was taking place inside someone's head. If you could look into my head and put what was inside on film, it would come out liek that. Snipets and chunks and feelings and quotes. Definetly haunting, that is the perfect adjective I would use to describe this movie. Parts of it are sad, parts are harrowing, parts are beautiful, but all together, it's just haunting.
I actually have alot of mixed feelings about this movie and it's book. On the one hand, it's incredible that someone BLINKED OUT their memoir and it would be horrible- incredibly, intolerably horrible- for anyone to have to go through this, but on the other hand, I feel like if anyone else had written this memoir, if it had just been some poor shmo, it wouldn't have been that interesting. The thing that made it really incredibly interesting is that Jean-Dominique had this incredible, interesting life before it was all taken away. It's a little sureal that all this happened to this man.

Peter Pan

Back in the day, when I was a little kid, I loved Peter Pan. I feel like it was the first adventure movie I had ever watched that didn't have to do with Princesses. It was about a regular girl who was visited one night by a boy who took her away to have marvelous adventures. But as psychologist tell us, these boys- who offer adventure- rarely offer stability or love, because sooner or later, the girl wants more than just a 'good time' and the boy runs off to stay a boy and girls grow up. I mean, really that's the basic gist of the tale, that girl's are more mature than boys, and that everyone has to grow up so why try to relive your high school glory days, guys?
The thing is I really loved it as a child, despite the subliminal messages, and really carried a torch for the story as I grew up. I remember vividly one day in school when we were reading the book Lord of the Flies, I was looking at the paperback version, with the blonde boy on the front with green leaves and twigs all in his hair and thinking, 'Hey, THIS is how I always imagined Peter Pan..." I was also always grossly disappointed that there was never anything going on with Peter and Wendy. Even after we got the taste of jealousy Wendy had over Tiger Lily, their romantic relationship was never developed. Of course there was Hook and the Disney and Mary Martin version, but none of them seemed really satisfatory to how I had invisioned Peter Pan. Then Christmas of 2003 came, and Autralian director P.J. Hogan released his live action, male lead, CGI packed version of Peter Pan. I was in total and utter awe. This Peter Pan was everthing I had ever hoped, wished, wanted in a telling of Peter Pan. A cute little blonde boy played Peter, the set and scenery was magical, Hook was actually SCARY, and the music was incredible. I was 13 years old and cried 3 times the first time I saw this movie. It was amazing, AMAZING. I had never had any other movie complete and blow my mind so entirely. I saw Peter Pan the day it came out, and every day for the rest of the week. I saw it in theaters a total of 14 times, then bought the movie as soon as it came out, bought the soundtrack, was given the movie poster as a birthday present, and then one of my friends went to Hollywood and got Jeremy Sumpter's autograph and gave it to me as a present. I liked this movie a little bit. I ate, drank, and slept Peter Pan for about 2 years until I felt a little too Michael Jackson-y.

Hugh Jackman

I recently saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine and was a little disappointed. While Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds or more than enough reasons for me to go see any movie, no matter what my hang-ups might be, I really wish they had done a little more (or a lot less) on this prequel. Every event was rushed and the extraneous time they could have used developing core characters or events was used to introduce miscellaneous characters that were only in the movie for about five minutes. Most of the special effects were top notch, but again, it was all a little over done. As far as the X-Men series, I really like all the installments. Plots were all well thought out and cohesive and all characters meshed well into the whole of the context. In Wolverine, however, some character's powers were not even explained, which led you to believe they were just highly athletic humans, which goes against the whole story line in general. Also, I had a huge problem with how the handled the fact that Sabertooth was Wolverine's brother AND was one of the enemies that got killed in the first X-Men, something smells fishy with this plot development. But that's what happens when you throw in random characters without looking at their dynamic with the story. Example: Jean Grey being the Phoenix and killing Scott Summers in the third X-Men.
The bottom line is, I love Hugh Jackman. Not only is he amazingly gorgeous (voted People's Hottest Man) but he has talent to boot. His wife is 8 years his senior and they have two adopted kids. Seriously, what's not to like? He did a stupendous job hosting the Academy Awards this year and he's had more high quality motion pictures than some actors have in their whole lifetime. There was Australia, The Prestige, Someone Like You (one of my all time favorite movies. I actually named my cat after his character, Eddie.), Paperback Hero, Kate & Leopold, Swordfish, Van Helsing, The Fountain, Scoop! The man's been busy, not to mention his leading roles in Oklahoma! and The Boy From Oz. He can sing, he can dance, and he can act and he's from Australia, I love him.