Twilight: The Anti-Christ

Twilight is bad. It’s not kind of good, it’s not sort of good- it is down right bad. When I read those books (and yes, I read them all) I was so frustrated that I had never written down my pre-teen vampire fantasy because then I could be a multi-millionaire like that no-talent Mormon hack. Not only is the plot pathetic and completely predictable, it’s unoriginal, and the writing itself is bad. Let me say that again: IT IS BAD WRITING. Stephanie Myer couldn’t write herself out of a phone booth. There is a good page and half dedicated to describing how Bella washed a dish. Pure genius. The characters are all totally static, they never change, and they never evolve- with the exception of Bella’s sudden and total commitment to motherhood over night. Am I supposed to find these characters relatable or interesting?
Bella is the biggest whine-bag I have ever come across in literary history. I hope to God no teen looks up to her because she is the manifestation of anti-feminism and then some. Afraid of blood, afraid of the dark, clings to her little boyfriend for dear life, and she’s so original and unique because she READS. “Holy Crow” give me a medal, where’s my mister perfect, I read! And just because Meyer makes reference to Romeo and Juliet does not make this series high quality work. J.K. Rowling should be incredibly offended that this toilet-paper novel claimed to be ‘The Next Harry Potter’. What in God’s name is our society coming to? There are grown women- smart, smart women- who think these books are the bee’s knees. I pity them, their children, and their husbands/ boyfriends- if they have any.
The movie was no better. I mean, it would be hard to make a good movie out of a book with literally no substance, but hey, even The Lost Boys gave me a thrill. While the end scene was the only redeeming part, it was ruined by Kristen Stewart’s eye-crossing, weird moaning, almost-death scene; especially the hospital scene where we got to see Stewart’s ad-libing skills at their best with a bunch of non believable mumbling nonsense. Thank you, Kristen. The movie just made the book that much worse, it was like the antithesis of something that sounds good in your head, but then when you say it out loud you think, “Man, I sound stupid.” But Stephanie Meyer just couldn’t keep her mouth shut! We got three whole books of her teeny-bopper, vampire gold. As if Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel didn’t milk it up enough, now we have Twilight. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you, the down-fall of a generation of morons.