Soccer

I love soccer. I totally forgot about how much I really love soccer. I've played since I was five but quit after high school cause I just wasn't that good, but man is it fun. When I was little, if I wasn't good at something I'd just quit- I quit basketball, softball, tennis, painting, all sorts of things. But I loved soccer. I've been on several teams, had five different coaches, so many different teammates I forget some of their names, but the three years I played for Rod Scaff on the Dallas Texans (Red North [what a stinkin' long name.]) was the most fun I'd ever had. The girls were so much fun, I had some real friends, and Rod was great- a great coach and a great man.
Rod was English and there was a girl on my team named Vonnie, so whenever Rod would call our names they would get all jumbled up in his accent and we would have to do the whole "You? Me? You-Me... You!" it was always funny. He had all sorts of funny little sayings that were totally bizarre. He called us donuts or bungalows, cause donuts have no centers like we had no brain? and bungalows have no upstairs, again, like we had no brain.
He liked me, I liked him. He liked that I was real aggressive and that I forced the girls to "dig deep", and I liked how he didn't yell. Well that's a total lie, he yelled all the time, but not in an angry way. He yelled to be heard, but never in a negative or condescending way. He was a great coach in that way. He teased, we had fun, but we always knew when to lock it up. We were good for our division, we were the best of the worst! We won every game, worked hard, definitely had fun. I keep saying it was fun, it was! But it was the power that was fun. It was getting the ball and knowing you could knock down whoever came at you, that you could run faster than anyone trying to catch you, and if you got an open shot on goal, it was all over. I was a defender so that rarely happened, but the sheer brute force I had, it was immense. I miss that. There's nothing intimidating about me now. I used to be all muscle and power, I could run for days. I miss THAT.
I miss using my body as a tool, an instrument, finely tuned to do great work. It's fallen apart since then, gotten fat in places it won't go away. All my muscles are too tightly wound, my joints are shot, it's a sad decline and it will only get worse. That's the worst part, I know it's not over. I used to be an amazon, I used to be somebody. Something spectacular. I had real raw talent, but I wasted it. It's hard to hold on to the things you love. After a while you stop loving the thing, and you just want to be the best. I am never the best at anything, because I love too many things too much to let just one define me. I want it all, but it's impossible.