Fairy Tales

Cinderella is one of my all time favorite fairy tales of all time and definitely not because of Disney. I mean, hey, I love the glass slippers and the silvery dress and the songs, but it's SO MUCH MORE than that. I grew up with two bossy older sisters, a crazy mother, and when my dad died, things only got worse. I'm not about to complain about having to do chores around the house, because it was way more intense than that. When my dad died I was 15, both my sisters were away at college and my mother was a wreck. I literally did EVERYTHING, for her and for me. It was a very scary, very trying time for my whole family. On top of this, I was very much looked down on and under appreciated by my family. My whole life, I was not the outsider, I was not a cheerleader, I was not popular, my family did not understand me. They thought I was weird, they always called me out on my clothes, my friends, my anything. One time my sister went as far as to throw out all my clothes while I was at school. She restocked my closet with hand-me-down's she designated as acceptable from her wardrobe because she said the clothes I wore embarrassed her. Any time I left the house wearing something other than what she wanted my mother said I looked like a homeless person and why didn't I wear make up and no wonder I didn't have a boyfriend. For these reason's and more I say, 'Cinderella, I feel your pain.' This particular fairy tale is about loving your family, no matter what, and be you to the best of your ability, no matter what others think. It's about love and compassion and taking care of those you love, even if they don't always deserve it, and being above all the material bullshit that is making our society crazy. The tale of Cinderella always gave me hope, that maybe one day, after I had paid my dues, I would have a happy ending. My prince charming would find me and see that I was beautiful, rags and all, and we would live happily ever after.
Obviously this tale has also backfired a bit and given me a damsel in distress complex, but hey, no one's perfect. I do, a little bit, blame Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations for men. Life is not a movie or a book, men are men and nothing more. But, God, don't we all wish for that Mr. Darcy, Prince Charming. The reason the prince in Cinderella is so incendiary is because he wants the girl at the ball. It was love at first sight, it was her and no one else. He had his men search the whole kingdom with just a shoe to find this one girl who made his world, and best of all, he didn't change his mind once he found out she was a maid, he said, Hey! I love you, we had a good time, let's spend the rest of our lives having more good times together. Sweet, simple, love.
Above all things I believe in love. "Love is a many splendid thing," "Love lifts us up where we belong," "All you need is love." I'm not going to lie I script. Scripts are life dramas that people continually act out as if they were involved in a play. Drama determines the path life will take and how life will end up. Roles that people choose are determined by the psychological script. I think my role is tragic clown. But it's not my fault. My whole life is filled with a multitude of examples of how my life should be going, and it's not, and it's frustrating- because it's not playing out how I've scripted it. My fear of living in the moment is ruining my future which is what I am trying to plan for, which is why I don't live in the moment! Bottom line is: I've scripted my life after Cinderella, and now I need my prince, but there's a relatively astounding chance this princess will have to save herself, and figure out her worth all on her own.

Adventureland

So, the other day I saw this movie that claimed to be this year's 'Juno' and this generation's 'Dazed and Confused'- all empty promises made a million times over. But I have to say, although it did not live up to it's 'Dazed' assumptions, it was a genuinely original, interesting movie. And as much as I hate to admit it, I loved Kristen Stewert in this movie. She plays Em, the semi-mysterious/only regular girl working at Adventureland, all the others seem to be vapid, shallow sluts/teases. Early on, it's not hard to figure out that Em and married Adventureland stud, Connell, have a thing. The story progresses through James's summer, but again, the really interesting character was Em. She is described as being "Two doors down from the girl next door" (take that as you will) and she spends most of her time "rebelling" against her dad and stepmom, mostly trying to get her Dad's attention and generally feeling bad about her whole familial situation. (Her mom died of cancer, her dad remarried a bald woman and Em's having an affair.) The movie is just really interesting, especially how it plays on stereotypical male and female roles: James is a virgin in college and believes in true love and is a total romantic, Em is cynical and untrusting and, we'll just say, not a pure as snow. There was one scene that I just nearly busted out of my seat, because it hit SO close to home.

I have this friend see, he's an amazing guy, literally I know no one better, and he was dating this girl that he really liked, which was a big deal for him. They dated for a while, he was in love, then all the sudden she pulled the carpet out from under him and told him she couldn't be in a serious relationship with him because he was Jewish and she was Catholic- just like with Joel and Sue- and just like Joel, my friend tries to tell the girl that while his family is mostly Jewish, he's very open about religion, but she still refuses. Very much like Em, I was incensed, not just by this girl's lack of humility, understanding, and antisemitic attitude, but also that my friend would lower himself to deny something as culturally important as his origins, just for some girl to like him! I mean, what IS that?
People tick in all sorts of weird ways. Em was a complex, real character and I very much enjoyed finally seeing a developed, deep role by Kristen Stewert. The movie had a happy ending (which I won't give away here) which gave me hope. Even though your life is messed up and you forget how to love yourself, you make a bunch of bad decisions just to get someone's attention, doing the worst you can just to hear someone say 'I love you anyway,' it's rough. Em was a perfect example of that, and not in an over the top 'I'm-so-angsty' sort of way, so thumbs up for you Kristen Stewert.

Ideas

When I read the section titles “First Love” I was hopping, as any girl would, for a little love story, a little romance. I got romance in spades, but not the girl and boy kind. No I do not condone the death of hundreds or millions so someone somewhere can prove their point. In my book the only thing worth dieing for is love. I don’t believe solely in Christian teachings but I do agree with Jesus when he says Forget it! You can’t follow 10 easy rules? Try this, Love each other as I have loved you. Simple. The greatest above all things is love. Love for each other, human compassion and empathy. These are things I value above all else. Everything I do, say, think, like, believe in, are centered around the idea to love. I don’t know what kind of -ism it is but my Utopian ideal for the world would be to erase the boundaries and boarders and have everyone do as they please as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s happiness. (I.e. if someone’s idea of happiness is brutal killings, we can kill that person. If they do not respect life, they have no right to live.)
It just bothered me how Rolfe kept talking about how the land would prosper and flourish and all will be made right, it’s not true. I wonder who this guys audience was, who was he writing this to, for, about? Obviously he had friends that died in the war, and he wanted those deaths to mean something, and wanted everyone to know the cause that they died for. Was it worth it? If his friends were looking down, would they look on with regret? I don’t believe in hell, many counter that if there is no hell there is no heaven, well maybe there’s not. Maybe we just go to sleep and don’t have to deal with all the bullshit anymore. That’s not so bad. Worst case scenario, you go to sleep and don’t wake up. Best case scenario, you go to sleep and wake up in a vast brilliant field of green, where the sun always shines, unless you don’t want it to, there are stars out every night, and each day seems to get a little better than the one before it. Everyone can sing in tune and everyone just knows, there is a calm content… just knowing. Knowing that it’s all over, there nothing else to fuss about, to do, but just be- forever. That is what I’d like to see through the pearly gates. And it really burns my toast that some people believe not everyone’s invited. Anyone who has love in their heart is invited to my heaven, I don’t care if you love men or women, black or green, Muslim or Scientology. People get so wrapped up in labels, they define themselves so completely by what they believe in that they mold themselves to the paradigm of their ideas instead of believe what they want, and what is right. So many of my friends and family are so gung-ho christian that they hate and condemn people without even stopping to think! God is Love. It’s not more complicated than that. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Love one another as I have loved you. Period. Not love the neighbors that are like you. I am overwhelmed by frustration. And Rolfe is just like this in a separate sense. Then later, he’s condemned for his believes and all the sudden, well that’s not fair! Boohoo, Hypocrite! “First Love” focuses so much on death,- impending death, dieing young, the futile struggle of man. Yet the title is still significant. Maybe we should stop and love before we rush off to die. It used to be my greatest fear, to die without ever knowing love. It started when two of my friends died, one at 13 the other at 15, neither one had had any real relationship, no one to love them completely, marry them, have children, etc. And then there’s God, the great consolar. “God loved them“, “God loves you” People say they are in love with God, yet we are taught that He’s our father. You really love your father, like a lover? That’s weird. It’s all a bunch of romanticized metaphors to make us feel like we’re not alone, just like the great ideas Rolfe’s friends died for. They just want to make us feel like it’s not a big joke. We, as human beings, have purpose, have worth, to one another, in the events that shape us and make us who we are. The big picture, the broad scope. Step on a butterfly and it changes the patterned fabric of time. Or is it just a grown up version of Santa Claus, to keep us hopping and waiting. You can only kick a dog so many times until it bites you. How’s that for a metaphor to live by.

The Watchmen

So, yesterday I went to see The Watchmen. I knew it was something I just needed to see, as a film person and also as a comic-book-hero person. Because I am both of those things, I made sure to look into the plot and characters before and I was really happy with what the film did with the comic material. First of all the comic itself was an extremely original work, from the characters to the plot, and also still incredibly relevant to the world today. This I believe as opposed to The Spirit, which (pardon me) sucked, and Sin City, which I liked and enjoyed, but Watchmen was still good without relying on excessive (though at times graphic) violence. Not to mention, I totally adore Zack Snyder for 300, which was a visual spectacle in itself. Watchmen was also visually and aesthetically pleasing. That’s what I love most about comic-to-movie makes because it’s all about the scenes, and not just how they are played out, but how they will look, how they will feel because of the look, like everything is arranged just so to give this over-all effect. I feel like not a lot of directors are concerned enough with the details anymore. (For example: In He’s Just Not That Into You, albeit this movie is not a cinematic gem, it bothered me to no end when there was a scene with Jennifer Aniston and she was talking to her sisters and then all the sudden it cut to her hemming her dress for about 2 seconds and then went back to her face. It was totally unnecessary, chopped up, and put together with very little thought. That BOTHERED me.)
So anyway, the plot is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of everyday society. They helped fight and win the war in Vietnam and now America is in a spoiled state of “immoral indulgences” (wait this is an alternate world?) and the Cold War is heating up. The superheroes have either retired or now work for the government. When The Comedian is murdered, the other Watchmen come out to retirement to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. They uncover a conspiracy with links to their shared past and horrible consequences for the future of humanity.
I think lots of the characters serve as satirical representations for the common American during this time in history, especially with the changes in history. There’s The Silk Spectre, who is the “every woman” of the 50’s; the Comedian, this world’s version of the American Cowboy; The Night Owl, the boy scout (and not in a Batman way) who still believes in truth and justice although the whole world around him is corrupt; and the genetically super-humanized Dr. Manhattan who serves as a God-like Jiminy Cricket with all the human sensitivities of a scientist with lab rats. There’s also Rorschach, the extremist of the group? He’s kind of like the outcast of the outcasts, just a little crazier than the average nut, and yet his craziness is what keeps him on the good side. He is like the Night Owl in that he believes in justice, but he’s more like an eye for an eye type of guy.
There was one part that stood out the most to me, maybe because I’m a girl and I like Love, but it really hit a personal chord. The world is about to be blown to nuclear hell and Laurie (The Silk Spectre) goes to Dr. Manhattan to ask him to save it (they’re on Mars…). Dr. Manhattan has kind of lost sight of humanity, and lost a big part of his own humanity because he is so God-like- all knowing, omnipresent, etc. Laurie is still trying to see the good in humanity and knows it’s worth saving, but she is still trying to fight her own demons and doubts about life and the world. Then there is this great part when Dr. Manhattan is describing the miracle of human coupling and child birth and how at odds with the universe the whole process is, and yet it happens, it’s possible. And then he goes on to infer that all that happens, has a purpose, every cellular change, changes for a reason, known or unknown. I guess I just like to hold onto the idea that good can come from bad, that everything has a reason and purpose, like in 13 Conversations About The Same Thing. Like diamonds, they're beautiful, more so than their obvious luster and value, but because they came from coal. I like it, is all I’m saying.
The Watchmen was good by me, gold star.

Soccer

I love soccer. I totally forgot about how much I really love soccer. I've played since I was five but quit after high school cause I just wasn't that good, but man is it fun. When I was little, if I wasn't good at something I'd just quit- I quit basketball, softball, tennis, painting, all sorts of things. But I loved soccer. I've been on several teams, had five different coaches, so many different teammates I forget some of their names, but the three years I played for Rod Scaff on the Dallas Texans (Red North [what a stinkin' long name.]) was the most fun I'd ever had. The girls were so much fun, I had some real friends, and Rod was great- a great coach and a great man.
Rod was English and there was a girl on my team named Vonnie, so whenever Rod would call our names they would get all jumbled up in his accent and we would have to do the whole "You? Me? You-Me... You!" it was always funny. He had all sorts of funny little sayings that were totally bizarre. He called us donuts or bungalows, cause donuts have no centers like we had no brain? and bungalows have no upstairs, again, like we had no brain.
He liked me, I liked him. He liked that I was real aggressive and that I forced the girls to "dig deep", and I liked how he didn't yell. Well that's a total lie, he yelled all the time, but not in an angry way. He yelled to be heard, but never in a negative or condescending way. He was a great coach in that way. He teased, we had fun, but we always knew when to lock it up. We were good for our division, we were the best of the worst! We won every game, worked hard, definitely had fun. I keep saying it was fun, it was! But it was the power that was fun. It was getting the ball and knowing you could knock down whoever came at you, that you could run faster than anyone trying to catch you, and if you got an open shot on goal, it was all over. I was a defender so that rarely happened, but the sheer brute force I had, it was immense. I miss that. There's nothing intimidating about me now. I used to be all muscle and power, I could run for days. I miss THAT.
I miss using my body as a tool, an instrument, finely tuned to do great work. It's fallen apart since then, gotten fat in places it won't go away. All my muscles are too tightly wound, my joints are shot, it's a sad decline and it will only get worse. That's the worst part, I know it's not over. I used to be an amazon, I used to be somebody. Something spectacular. I had real raw talent, but I wasted it. It's hard to hold on to the things you love. After a while you stop loving the thing, and you just want to be the best. I am never the best at anything, because I love too many things too much to let just one define me. I want it all, but it's impossible.