CoCo Before Chanel: Chance

For Christmas my senior year, my sister gave me a bottle of Chanel perfume, Chance. I never got so many compliments as I did the year I wore that. It was such a great scent: mature, but still young and sassy, and still sophisicated. That summer I went to Cabbo San Lucas and accidentally bought Chanel Chance Eau Fraiche, almost the exact same perfume, but a clear green and with a much fresher, springtime edge. Now it's all I wear. I don't think I'll ever buy anything else. It literally is my signature scent. I have a friend who, every time I see her, never fails to say, "Oh you smell like a Bonnie!" I love that feeling. Chanel makes every girl feel classy and fabulous. And yes, she did say that. Very smart lady.
I really loved this movie, but definately found it lacking. CoCo's transformation and struggles were heart-wrenching, hillarious, and real. But some how on film, they came off half-heartedly. It was great to see her start out in the bars singing with her sister, I really knew very little to next to nothing about her, so Audrey Tautou's depiction of her seemed true enough for me. Not to mention I am totally obsessed with Audrey Tautou. Anyway, it was just strange how she just seemed to slink into situations and then slink out. I know it's hard to be in someone's mind and really depict their inner genius, but it literally felt like I was just watching someone stumble into their fame. Like her successs was almost completely coincidental. I guess I thought they should have shown more of that progression, the actual process of culminating a style and forming a fashion sense and style. Instead it was just like, yes all these things happened, then she made her own label and then she was famous! And I do realize it's titled CoCo BEFORE Chanel, but I'd like to have seen a little more of that than just, ya she got lucky with who she slept with...
The cinematography was heaven, all the sets and scenery were so beautiful, just breath-taking. Most noteably was when they go to the ocean. Not to mention, how much did I love her English French-speaking lover? I don't know how I feel about how they romantisized that...
It was also so much fun to see how her style made her such an icon. She truly was just so ahead of her time and now I understand why I love her clothes and fashion so much. Her clothes are flattering for most forms, simple, sophisticated, timeless and classy. What's not to love?

I Can't Think Straight

So tonight I PAID to see 'I Can't Think Straight' and was incredibly disappointed. I wasted 7.50 on a campy lesbian chick flick. The characters were wishy-washy and poorly constructed. One second Tallah was rebellious and devil-may-care and the next she's all distraught because her family wouldn't understand? She didn't want to hurt her boyfriend? And overnight Leyla is all the sudden 100% positively a lesbian after dancing with Tallah for, oh, about 2 minutes, even though in the beginning of the film she goes on and on about how she's so strong in her faith and a good little Muslim girl! What gives? It was just too cheesy for any film genre; I honestly contemplated walking out and asking for a refund. It would be one thing if I had seen it for free, I paid for that and all I could do to pass the time was to make fun of it. The drama of it all was so over the top. And they both have understanding younger sisters and fathers, but the moms can't take it? The one real moment I liked where I thought they really made a point of showing what a struggle it can be to be homosexual in a culture of strong religion is when the mom yells "Then you will BURN IN HELL!" Ouchers mom. Anyway, I've seen lesbian films and I've seen gay films and all I'm saying is, there have been better. Much better.

Chris and Don: A Love Story

How much did I love this movie? So much. What a unique time, what a unique love. All through the movie all I could think about was 'Will anyone ever love me as much as these men loved each other?' Maybe not, but their story was nothing if not inspiring. I really liked how the movie followed such a clear time line, so many times in documentaries they jump from event to event, this felt very fluid and as if you were really experiencing their relationship as it unfolded, but the hindsight was nice too. Don seemed very child-like even in his old age, it was impossible to not love him, you immediately knew what Chris saw in him 30 years before and, most importantly, you knew how much he loved Chris. They seemed to live a charmed life of travel and leisure, it seemed so magical, so wonderful, you almost forgot the things that must have brought them together: the second world war, the changing atmosphere of Hollywood, their incredible age difference, and of course the taboo of homosexuality. Still, it seems uncanny.
I regret to say I've never read any of Chris Isherwood's work, but of course I love Cabaret. Everyone and their mother loves Cabaret. Sally Bowles was one of my all time favorite female characters since I was little, she had such spunk and sass, and I wished I could be that confident. She and Holly GoLightly, of course. Both great movies, both great books, both written by gay men. What-da-ya-know.
I had never seen any of Don Bachardy's work either, but my goodness, what a talent. I loved his use of colors for lighting and shadows, I mean wow. I've never seen anything like that, it made me want to take an art class! You just never know what a little hobby can turn into, I mean I wish I had that. And all his drawings of Chris as he was dying... just heartbreaking. Again, I wonder if I will ever find a love like that.

Things I Think About

If oil is made from fossils, in millions of years will people be pumping oil from our cemeteries? I'd like to be cremated, there's no point in keeping a body around when the thing that makes it special is gone. It's like keeping an ice cream carton after you've eaten all the ice cream. I really like Donovan, my friend Matt Terry turned me on to him sophomore year. Once at a pep-rally, someone had written "Brake a Leg." Some people are so stupid, it's great, it really makes my day sometimes. Whenever I feel bad or get jealous of someone, I always remember that they probably make a really funny face when they're constipated. I really wish I could be an artist, like a painter, or a photographer, but I feel like I'm not original or good enough to do that. Plus, doing this for a living always takes the fun out of it, once money comes into doing anything that's enjoyable, it makes it less so. Or collages, I'm really good at those too. I would like to know when I'm going to die. People who get asked that question always say they wouldn't want to know, but I would. What if it was during something important? I work better under deadlines anyway, so I think I could enjoy my life more if I knew when it was coming. I definitely have a type of guy, I prefer dark haired, blue eyed men. I don't know why, I just always seem to prefer them over anyone else. especially the blue eyed thing. I love blue eyes, I like having brown, it adds nice diversity with my blonde hair, but I love guys with blue eyes, they're so gorgeous. I just realized that is a complete opposite of me. I guess I feel like blonde is more feminine, and brown is more masculine, so I have a good balance of both masculine and feminine characteristics and a guy with brown hair and blue eyes would have the same balance. I only had one blonde boyfriend and that was in 6th grade. Sarah Jessica Parker gave a great quote once about how humor is way more sexy than good looks because even when your beauty fades, humor lasts forever. I like that, I feel like there's a lot to be said about someone who can make you laugh. I know I need that. I wish I got that compliment more. I have a lot of character in a lot of different ways. My life has been all over the place, but I stay still, in place I mean. God, I love music. Thinking about music always makes me think of that part in the Little Mermaid where Scuttle talks about how before music humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day, "it was very boring." I'm very afraid of being abandoned. By friends, by family, I don't know why and I can't help it, but I hate the idea of being left behind, all alone, just abandoned. It creates huge anxiety and sadness and fear in me. It would be different if I left and became a recluse, but I don't want to be left. I feel like it is just a stemming fear from loosing everything I care about. The only thing worse than loosing everything you love is everything you love not wanting you around anymore. I also never want to forget anything. I have a lot of important, precious memories that I never want to loose. In fact, if I could record everything about my life, that would be cool to. Probably one of the coolest things would be if heaven was like a big movie watching party of everyone's lives. I used to bite my nails really horribly. Now I don't and I keep my nails nice and long and I think they make my hands look pretty. One of the best compliments I ever got was when my friend told me I have beautiful hands. I don't know why that meant so much to me, but it really did. Little detail compliments are always alot more genuine I think. I usually don't like appearance compliments, they always seem fake, or just, I don't know. I don't like being told I look good, or whatever, if I know I don't. If there's no effort, then there's no need for a compliment. You should have to work for it, not just be complimented on something that has nothing to do with you. Like when people tell me I have good taste in music or movies, I mean, that's nice of them to say and I'm glad they are enjoying what I picked, but I know I have good taste in that stuff. I wish I knew how to cook. I often wonder if my husband will leave me if I can't cook or can't learn.

Darn

How much do I love my life? Last day of exams, hardest exam of all, starts raining in the middle and I left my windows down. Darn. In the middle of studying for my hardest exam I realized I knew virtually nothing about the subject and had a panic attack that ended in tears. I was in the middle of the cafeteria when this happened. Darn. I wanted to see the new Star Trek movie but every person I ask to go see it with me laughs and calls me a nerd. Darn. I have zero money in the bank and I owe about $300 to 5 different people. Darn. A lot of people have been saying some really negative things to me and trying to pass them off as constructive criticism. I don't like it. Opinionated, sarcastic, offensive, annoying and some people think it's necessary to tell me I eat too fast. I eat the way I eat. I talk the way I talk. I know what and when something is appropriate. At least I am open to new ideas, at least I can be objective about what I say and how I think. I have spent the better part of my life learning to be a specific way that other people have wanted me to be. No more. Shouldn't I get more credit for speaking my mind and having an educated opinion about the things that matter to me? Not a lot matters to me, not money or politics or sports, but movies I know, books, plays, music, art, that I know. Am I not allowed to talk about what I know like everyone else does? At least I speak at all? Would I get more credit or taken more seriously if I never opened my mouth. That is definitely something I have learned, don't open your mouth. How can you learn without asking questions, how can you grow and get new ideas if yours are never challenged? People think because I'm young I don't know things. I know more about life and death and everything in between better than a lot of adults I know, way more than anyone my own age. There are lots of things I've yet to learn, I know that, I am open to that, but don't treat me like an idiot, I KNOW I am not an idiot and I can tell when someone assumes I am and it makes me pissed. I rarely ask for help, not because I'm proud, just because I know that can be annoying, so when I do ask for help please don't just stare at me and tell me I'm wrong, I KNOW I'M WRONG, that's why I'm asking for help. What you are doing is not helping me, brow beating is not helping me. Telling me I'm stupid is not helping me, maybe you don't understand what you are talking about and the way you are talking about it doesn't make sense and THAT'S why you can't answer my question. Maybe everyone should get outta town. Summer is here. 3 months of nothing, I love it. Is it weird that summer doesn't really feel like a vacation anymore. Or, I don't know, it feels different. The way I think of it is different. The way we think about summer it's like, school is the extra and summer is the norm, like I have to go to school but then I get to go home and watch TV, and summer is the home with the TV, but it's not. Summer is school. Summer is recess, it's not really what should be going on. Work and school are what's going on. I never thought of it that way til now.