The Things I Don't Know

My mother once joked there could be an encyclopedia series on the things I don't know. General stuff, everyday stuff, but things I never thought to ask. I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago that my dad was in college in 1974. I mean I KNEW, because I knew his age and relatively when he would have been in college, but I saw a picture of him in one of the old Centenary year books and I was just guffawed. And I never knew that. I remember in kindergarten the teacher went around to each student to get their personal information. The teacher got to me and asked, "What's your mom and dad's name?" I said, what? "What are their names?" Mom and Dad? It had never occurred to me that they might have other names like I had a name, was this something I was supposed to have asked? Then she asked, "What's your address?" I didn't know. I was five years old and I didn't know anything about my basic existence. That night I went home and drilled my mom about anything she knew that I might need to know. Even at five, it created a huge anxiety in me that I didn't know. Just not knowing or the knowing that there was something I should know. For some reason I just never thought about it, or never thought to ask questions. It really bothered me, and still bothers me, that there are things I SHOULD know, questions I SHOULD ask, and just never did, and apparently everyone else and their mother knew the questions to ask to know the answers that were important. I mean, isn't that kind of crazy? To this day I don't know, off the top of my head: my mother's birthday, my father's birthday, my oldest sister's birthday, where my parents grew up, where my mom went to college, when my parents got married, LOTS OF THINGS! Lots of things that people just know, regular everyday things that regular people think to ask, and I never did. What does that mean? I mean, I feel like that's an incredibly relevant worry to have, especially given the things I do know. Random things I picked up from books, from movies, from TV. I know stories about my family, I know lots and lots of random facts, but I don't even know exactly what my father did for a living the 15 years I knew him. There are worse things to know, or not know. It is just an incredibly loud hypocritical voice in my head whenever I hear someone say something stupid. My aunt said, "...half the movie they would talk American and then the other half they would talk Italian..." Or those idiots they show on Late Night talk shows who don't know the vice president's name or the words to the star spangled banner. Ya, they're stupid and uninvolved in society or culture, but I bet they know where their parents went to college, or at least their birthdays. I mean, duh, people can't know everything, but logistical things- dates, times- they are beyond me. I can quote any number of movies, books, plays, songs and I could give you a really good run for your money on trivial pursuit, but ask me how many siblings my grandmother had and I can only guess. This whole personal crisis is made even more ironic considering what a phobia I have for forgetting things, having things lost in history. And I hate history.

17 again...

Called the biggest disappointment of all time, next to Spider-man 3, 17 again was supposed to be the teeny-bopper, Zac Efron movie of the season. Now, I knew this movie wasn't going to be an all out hit, especially for someone my age, but seriously, there were some overall rank parts. Like all the sudden his character starts up on Abstinence only sex education! SERIOUSLY?
"Just say no, here are some condoms, have a party!" That is ridiculous. What better way to prevent teens from having sex but show them scary disease photos and single mothers! That did the trick for me! But seriously, it was like the whole movie was just a big Mormon love fest and BLEH, I was sad. I really was sad to see a movie that could have been hilarious and still heart felt be so family friendly that it was stifled of most humor.
Zac Efron is hot, but this movie blew more than High School Musical on ice. At least HMS KNEW it was cheesy! And at least it was aimed at 12-year-olds. 17 again is aimed at teenagers in high school who have issues with their parents, and you're going to give them this weird abstinence-you-were-a-mistake movie? Too cheesy, too sappy, too everything. Zefron, let me know when you will be scantily clad for 25% of the movie and maybe I'll come see you. Otherwise, you are a sad sell out to the Freaky Friday's and other adult-kid switcher-oo movie jargon.

Fairy Tales

Cinderella is one of my all time favorite fairy tales of all time and definitely not because of Disney. I mean, hey, I love the glass slippers and the silvery dress and the songs, but it's SO MUCH MORE than that. I grew up with two bossy older sisters, a crazy mother, and when my dad died, things only got worse. I'm not about to complain about having to do chores around the house, because it was way more intense than that. When my dad died I was 15, both my sisters were away at college and my mother was a wreck. I literally did EVERYTHING, for her and for me. It was a very scary, very trying time for my whole family. On top of this, I was very much looked down on and under appreciated by my family. My whole life, I was not the outsider, I was not a cheerleader, I was not popular, my family did not understand me. They thought I was weird, they always called me out on my clothes, my friends, my anything. One time my sister went as far as to throw out all my clothes while I was at school. She restocked my closet with hand-me-down's she designated as acceptable from her wardrobe because she said the clothes I wore embarrassed her. Any time I left the house wearing something other than what she wanted my mother said I looked like a homeless person and why didn't I wear make up and no wonder I didn't have a boyfriend. For these reason's and more I say, 'Cinderella, I feel your pain.' This particular fairy tale is about loving your family, no matter what, and be you to the best of your ability, no matter what others think. It's about love and compassion and taking care of those you love, even if they don't always deserve it, and being above all the material bullshit that is making our society crazy. The tale of Cinderella always gave me hope, that maybe one day, after I had paid my dues, I would have a happy ending. My prince charming would find me and see that I was beautiful, rags and all, and we would live happily ever after.
Obviously this tale has also backfired a bit and given me a damsel in distress complex, but hey, no one's perfect. I do, a little bit, blame Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations for men. Life is not a movie or a book, men are men and nothing more. But, God, don't we all wish for that Mr. Darcy, Prince Charming. The reason the prince in Cinderella is so incendiary is because he wants the girl at the ball. It was love at first sight, it was her and no one else. He had his men search the whole kingdom with just a shoe to find this one girl who made his world, and best of all, he didn't change his mind once he found out she was a maid, he said, Hey! I love you, we had a good time, let's spend the rest of our lives having more good times together. Sweet, simple, love.
Above all things I believe in love. "Love is a many splendid thing," "Love lifts us up where we belong," "All you need is love." I'm not going to lie I script. Scripts are life dramas that people continually act out as if they were involved in a play. Drama determines the path life will take and how life will end up. Roles that people choose are determined by the psychological script. I think my role is tragic clown. But it's not my fault. My whole life is filled with a multitude of examples of how my life should be going, and it's not, and it's frustrating- because it's not playing out how I've scripted it. My fear of living in the moment is ruining my future which is what I am trying to plan for, which is why I don't live in the moment! Bottom line is: I've scripted my life after Cinderella, and now I need my prince, but there's a relatively astounding chance this princess will have to save herself, and figure out her worth all on her own.

Adventureland

So, the other day I saw this movie that claimed to be this year's 'Juno' and this generation's 'Dazed and Confused'- all empty promises made a million times over. But I have to say, although it did not live up to it's 'Dazed' assumptions, it was a genuinely original, interesting movie. And as much as I hate to admit it, I loved Kristen Stewert in this movie. She plays Em, the semi-mysterious/only regular girl working at Adventureland, all the others seem to be vapid, shallow sluts/teases. Early on, it's not hard to figure out that Em and married Adventureland stud, Connell, have a thing. The story progresses through James's summer, but again, the really interesting character was Em. She is described as being "Two doors down from the girl next door" (take that as you will) and she spends most of her time "rebelling" against her dad and stepmom, mostly trying to get her Dad's attention and generally feeling bad about her whole familial situation. (Her mom died of cancer, her dad remarried a bald woman and Em's having an affair.) The movie is just really interesting, especially how it plays on stereotypical male and female roles: James is a virgin in college and believes in true love and is a total romantic, Em is cynical and untrusting and, we'll just say, not a pure as snow. There was one scene that I just nearly busted out of my seat, because it hit SO close to home.

I have this friend see, he's an amazing guy, literally I know no one better, and he was dating this girl that he really liked, which was a big deal for him. They dated for a while, he was in love, then all the sudden she pulled the carpet out from under him and told him she couldn't be in a serious relationship with him because he was Jewish and she was Catholic- just like with Joel and Sue- and just like Joel, my friend tries to tell the girl that while his family is mostly Jewish, he's very open about religion, but she still refuses. Very much like Em, I was incensed, not just by this girl's lack of humility, understanding, and antisemitic attitude, but also that my friend would lower himself to deny something as culturally important as his origins, just for some girl to like him! I mean, what IS that?
People tick in all sorts of weird ways. Em was a complex, real character and I very much enjoyed finally seeing a developed, deep role by Kristen Stewert. The movie had a happy ending (which I won't give away here) which gave me hope. Even though your life is messed up and you forget how to love yourself, you make a bunch of bad decisions just to get someone's attention, doing the worst you can just to hear someone say 'I love you anyway,' it's rough. Em was a perfect example of that, and not in an over the top 'I'm-so-angsty' sort of way, so thumbs up for you Kristen Stewert.

Ideas

When I read the section titles “First Love” I was hopping, as any girl would, for a little love story, a little romance. I got romance in spades, but not the girl and boy kind. No I do not condone the death of hundreds or millions so someone somewhere can prove their point. In my book the only thing worth dieing for is love. I don’t believe solely in Christian teachings but I do agree with Jesus when he says Forget it! You can’t follow 10 easy rules? Try this, Love each other as I have loved you. Simple. The greatest above all things is love. Love for each other, human compassion and empathy. These are things I value above all else. Everything I do, say, think, like, believe in, are centered around the idea to love. I don’t know what kind of -ism it is but my Utopian ideal for the world would be to erase the boundaries and boarders and have everyone do as they please as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s happiness. (I.e. if someone’s idea of happiness is brutal killings, we can kill that person. If they do not respect life, they have no right to live.)
It just bothered me how Rolfe kept talking about how the land would prosper and flourish and all will be made right, it’s not true. I wonder who this guys audience was, who was he writing this to, for, about? Obviously he had friends that died in the war, and he wanted those deaths to mean something, and wanted everyone to know the cause that they died for. Was it worth it? If his friends were looking down, would they look on with regret? I don’t believe in hell, many counter that if there is no hell there is no heaven, well maybe there’s not. Maybe we just go to sleep and don’t have to deal with all the bullshit anymore. That’s not so bad. Worst case scenario, you go to sleep and don’t wake up. Best case scenario, you go to sleep and wake up in a vast brilliant field of green, where the sun always shines, unless you don’t want it to, there are stars out every night, and each day seems to get a little better than the one before it. Everyone can sing in tune and everyone just knows, there is a calm content… just knowing. Knowing that it’s all over, there nothing else to fuss about, to do, but just be- forever. That is what I’d like to see through the pearly gates. And it really burns my toast that some people believe not everyone’s invited. Anyone who has love in their heart is invited to my heaven, I don’t care if you love men or women, black or green, Muslim or Scientology. People get so wrapped up in labels, they define themselves so completely by what they believe in that they mold themselves to the paradigm of their ideas instead of believe what they want, and what is right. So many of my friends and family are so gung-ho christian that they hate and condemn people without even stopping to think! God is Love. It’s not more complicated than that. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Love one another as I have loved you. Period. Not love the neighbors that are like you. I am overwhelmed by frustration. And Rolfe is just like this in a separate sense. Then later, he’s condemned for his believes and all the sudden, well that’s not fair! Boohoo, Hypocrite! “First Love” focuses so much on death,- impending death, dieing young, the futile struggle of man. Yet the title is still significant. Maybe we should stop and love before we rush off to die. It used to be my greatest fear, to die without ever knowing love. It started when two of my friends died, one at 13 the other at 15, neither one had had any real relationship, no one to love them completely, marry them, have children, etc. And then there’s God, the great consolar. “God loved them“, “God loves you” People say they are in love with God, yet we are taught that He’s our father. You really love your father, like a lover? That’s weird. It’s all a bunch of romanticized metaphors to make us feel like we’re not alone, just like the great ideas Rolfe’s friends died for. They just want to make us feel like it’s not a big joke. We, as human beings, have purpose, have worth, to one another, in the events that shape us and make us who we are. The big picture, the broad scope. Step on a butterfly and it changes the patterned fabric of time. Or is it just a grown up version of Santa Claus, to keep us hopping and waiting. You can only kick a dog so many times until it bites you. How’s that for a metaphor to live by.